The Secret War of John Kerry

Now we know why the whole Kerry camp has been silent on why the candidate claimed, in a 1979 letter to the Boston Herald and on the Senate Floor that he had been in Cambodia, when all the evidence (including his own journal) shows it never happened. It was a SECRET MISSION FOR THE CIA. Here is what he told a way-too-gullible reporter for the Washington Post last year:

A close associate hints: There's a secret compartment in Kerry's briefcase. He carries the black attaché everywhere. Asked about it on several occasions, Kerry brushed it aside. Finally, trapped in an interview, he exhaled and clicked open his case.

"Who told you?" he demanded as he reached inside. "My friends don't know about this."

The hat was a little mildewy. The green camouflage was fading, the seams fraying.

"My good luck hat," Kerry said, happy to see it. "Given to me by a CIA guy as we went in for a special mission in Cambodia."

Wow, a special mission with a CIA agent. And not just any CIA agent, but one who gives away cool spy hats (lucky ones, at that). Kerry could tell us all about it, but then he would have to kill us.

The mission is secret, but the timing of its disclosure gives a clue as to what was going on. Back in 1971 when Kerry gave extensive testimony (here is the transcript) before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee about the evildoers in Vietnam (that was us, back then), he never mentioned his secret incursion into Cambodia. The first time this comes out publically (as near as I can find) is Kerry's Oct. 14, 1979, letter to the editor of the Boston Herald. This was only a couple of months after the August, 1979 release of Apocalypse Now a movie about a gunboat taking a government assasin into Cambodia on a secret mission.

So now we know what Kerry was doing in Cambodia, he was driving Charlie Sheen's boat into Cambodia, on the way to kill Colonel Kurtz.

The Horror.

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[Jokes]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife!"The agent replies, "Then you?re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent replies, "You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the womans turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."